i love accidental penises.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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