I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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