I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
