Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
