Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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