no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
