the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
