I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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