Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
