i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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