eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
