apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
