I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
