I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
