No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
