I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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