i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
