My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
