hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
