Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm passing your future prison.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
