I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Still dying that you shit outside
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
