I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
