So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
