Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
