you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
