Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
