Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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