the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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