Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
