I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
