Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Enjoy the penises
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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