shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
