I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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