Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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