So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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