We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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