ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My pussy is not your playground.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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