By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
