Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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