I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
