I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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