I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
