Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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