U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize