3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
