I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
well you can't waste a boner
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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