All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
being pregnant is like rehab
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
