Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Randomize
