weddingsv make me drug and hornr
He passed out mid-signature
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
