i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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