And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
