In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
