My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
