I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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