you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
