take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
